Effective Sentences for our stories

Mr O’Sullivan and Mrs Otto would like to share some of your fantastic writing from your story based on Cosmic.

Can you select the sentence you are most proud of and add it as a comment – copy it onto the blog and remember to explain why you are so pleased with it – what makes it great?

 

25 Comments

  1. Thrashing down the rocket became out of control, buttons were popping, alarms were ringing.

    I think it is an amazing sentence because i can really imagine it. Although it does not have a simile it certanly has a negative atmosphere.

  2. Thrashing down the rocket became out of control, buttons were popping and alarms were ringing as sirons screaming.

    I think this is a great sentance because it tells me a lot of detail of whats going on.

  3. I felt down we were thrashed about like peas in a frying pan the red bull off has getting closer and closer i tried everything but it wouldn’t slow down the rocket.

    i like it because it has some similes and negative atmosphere and it makes people who read this imagine that is happening to them.

    thanks for reading this.

  4. I grabbed the control panel and screamed “HOW DO I CONTROL THIS THING”! the ship was shaking now my blood was lava my skin was pale i had goosebumps.
    this sentence is effective because hes shouting and it has a negative atmosphere and im saying what im feeling inside and out at the time.

  5. Suddenly, the rocket had a sound like a balloon with a hole in it.I felt my heart thumping as fast as a cheetah and my tummy was inside out.

    I choosed this sentence because it has got similies and negative atmosphere.

  6. This Is My Best Sentence. (In My Opinion)

    Lola furiously blasted into the room and sat down in her seat, how did I know it was her seat? It was the only seat that has 11 inch ripped on it, it also was covered in coke.

    I think this was my best sentence because it was so well described and had a lot of great pictures in my head.

  7. Thrashing through space as quick as lightning the rocket was uncontrollable .

    I chose this sentence because its powerful.

  8. This is my best sentences in my opinion.

    The space ship wobbled so much everyone fell over,the was a noise so vilon its like a lion killing a mouse.

  9. Everyone was being thrown around madly we couldnt do anything because of someone.

    this is my most effective sentence because it has the simile madly and have negative atmosphere i could feel the anger of liam

  10. In my opinion my best sentence is

    Wires bounced around like bunnies causing the lights to turn on and off

    This is effective because it is a great simile and is able to form a picture in your mind and that is what makes it effective.

  11. The screen cracked as fast as lighting”Waring oxygen supply low” said the rocket
    we all dashed to grab a space suit where going to di…” said laim barley.

    i like it because it uses some good adjectives and really liked my smiley ‘the screen crashed like thunder’

  12. This is my most effective sentance because it makes me feel like i am in the rocket and it makes me feel that the rocket is a shooting star.

    The rocket gained more speed the rocket was going as fast as a shooting star.

  13. Liam climd over to Lola and there was a massive black cloud of smoke. Liam coud not see anything … i like this beacuse it make negative atmosphere.

  14. “what that ship over ther ” wispered lola                                                             

    “Im not faling for that ” laffed liam

    ” dont blame me then ” said lola 

    wiers bounced like bunnies casing the lights to turn off and on sudenly a red light wired on and on .

    This parigraf is afective becose i used similes ,negitive atmosthire ,speech also it makes the reder wonder what will hapen next .

  15. Sudnally a sound as loud as funder was being throw out the ship.Florida said screming ‘WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIY’ then liam said ‘NO WERE NOT’

    I like this sentens becous it is so drmatic

  16. And then a bright red light as bright as a light house and the auto pilot said crash in 1 minute.

    The reason why I chose that sentence is because I really liked the simile that i put in that sentence .

  17. We were falling like leaves approaching mars after I yelled at Lola like an angry boss then we started to crash the rocket shaking aggressively and BOOM!!! We crashed on Mars.

    This is effective to the reader because it has detail and suspense.

  18. As quick as a flash the rocket started to loose control ,all of a sudden we were rampaging around a humungous red rock …..

    i think this is effective because i have used a simile and negative atmosphere (rampaging ) , i have also used an adjective (humungous).

  19. I only just noticed how swollen my face was i grabbed a helmet and put it on.

    This is effective because you can picture it in your head.

  20. In the control room there was popping noises like pop rock and sizziling from wires like a grill .

    I think this sentence was the best because it gives a realistic picture and sound as if the reader could imagne it in real life.

  21. Lola pushes the gravity button off and everyone fell like a rock smashed into a glass bowl.

    I like this sentence because it tells u how everybody fell.

  22. my favorite sentence is we span forwards,backwards we span in every direction this is my best sentence because it explain what way you are traveling and its telling the reader how its happening.

  23. As the rocket dropped i got flung at a fire exit . “Guys i found an exit!” I howled . Everybody pulled the exit door . Out of the shadows Florida rampaged holding 4 helmets. 1 Large , 1 small and 2 medium .As everyone pulled the exit door
    It flung open . . .

    This sentence is quite effective because it tells loads about what happend not just the rocket crashed it explains how they got out the rocket when it crashed.

  24. All of the space ship stared to shack then the girls stared to be seek Lola stared fant . Liam is steal sleeping on the rocket when Liam week up he when the girls Liam up and Liam up and Liam.

    I like about liam slepping.

  25. “LOLA GET OFF OF ME!”yelled Liam is my favourite and one more of my favourite witch is Violet that Lola girl is so bad tempered Violet just gazing in to the wall.

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